I think scott just propositioned me for sex
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
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That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
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I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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