3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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