Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize