cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
40s are totally the cure
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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