I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
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Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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