I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize