i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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