i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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