Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
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We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
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Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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