u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
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I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
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Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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