I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
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She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
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PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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