that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
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Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
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And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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