Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
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Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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