vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
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Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
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dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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