It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
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Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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