Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
not ubering you a puppy
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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