I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
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Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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