you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
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he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
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There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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