i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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