They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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