life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
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I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
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Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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