Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
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There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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