we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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