here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
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Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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