Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
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Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
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I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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