Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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