ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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