yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
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We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize