I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
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the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
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MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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