I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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