i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
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he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
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i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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