He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
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