I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My penis needs a shock collar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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