he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
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She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
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My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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