My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize