Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
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Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
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It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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