of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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