you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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