I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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