i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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