Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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