I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize