Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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