Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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