he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
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you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
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But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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