i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I love having hate sex.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
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Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
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But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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