Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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