You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize