I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize