Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
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Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize